Friday, July 31, 2009

Hot enough for you today???


Dear Diary
Just moved to Texas!  Now this is a state that knows how to live!   Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.  What a place!  It is beautiful.  I've finally found my home.  I love it here. 
June 14th: 
Really heating up.  Got up to 100 today.  Not a problem.  I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car.  What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.  I'm turning into a sun worshipper. 
June 30th: 
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.  Lots of cactus and rocks.  What a breeze to maintain.  No more mowing the lawn for me.  Another scorcher today, but I love it here. 
July 10th: 
The temperature hasn't been below 100 this week.  How do people get use to this kind of heat?  At least, it's kind of windy though.   But getting use to the heat is taking longer than I expected. 
July 15th: 
Fell asleep by the community pool.  (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).  Missed 3 days of work.  What a dumb thing to do.  I learned my lesson though.  Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.  
July 20th: 
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into my car when I left this morning.   By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.   The car now smells like kibbles and sh*ts.  Another lesson learned.  No more pets in this heat.  Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again. 
July 25th: 
The wind sucks.  It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!!  And it's hot as hell!  The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. 

July 30th: 
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house  and I can't even go inside.  Lomita is the lucky one.  Why did I ever come here? 
August 4th: 
It's 115 degrees.  Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.  It cost  $500 and gets the temperature down to 85.  I hate this stupid state. 
August 8th: 
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?'  I'm going  to strangle him.  Damn heat.  By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat! 
August 9th: 
Tried to run some errands after work.  Wore shorts and when I sat on the seat of the car, I thought my ass was on fire.  My skin melted to the seat.  I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs  and ass...  Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass a
nd baked cat. 
August 10th: 
The weather report might as well be a dumb recording.  Hot and sunny.   Hot and sunny.  Hot and sunny.  It's been too hot to breath much less  try to do anything for 2 blasted months and the weatherman says it  might really warm up next week.  Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state?  Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.  Even the cactus can't live in this wretched heat. 
August 14th: 
Welcome to HELL!  Temperature got to 115 again today.  Cactus are dead.  Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car.  The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???  'Hot enough for you today?'  My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.  Freaking Texas.  What kind of sick demented idiot would want to live here???  Will write more later to let you know how the trial goes.


1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for the terrific laugh I just had. My husband is originally from Texas and we are now retired here in Charleston,SC by the ocean. He wants to move back to San Antonio and I am constanly trying to tell him why I will never move there...Now I will copy and paste this to his bathroom mirror...he...he...When he mentions it...I will tell him to go look into the mirror. I am a Tarhill from NC by birth and that tar keeps me planted here on the east coast.Thanks!