Friday, February 27, 2009

For those friends who only forward things

You know who they are...unless you're one of them. Friends who forward emails to everyone in their address book. Never do they add a personal note. Never do they remove the previous emails. No longer do you need to wonder how spammers get your email address - it's because of folks like these.

Here's a wonderful letter to "forward" back to them...

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Time Keeps On Slippin'

Yes, as the old song does my life these days. Time keeps on slippin' away from me. I'm getting older and times moves along faster it seems. But I really don't see myself as a time-waster...or at least not in excess. I always have way more things I want to do than I have time to do them.

I know I could utilize my time more wisely but I think most of us need some down time. Time to recharge both our mental & physical "batteries". That is what my so-called wasted time usually is...recharging time. You may call it something else. Relaxation. Silence. Meditation. Peace.
I love to read and haven't read as much in the past few months as usual. So...that's back on my list of to-do's. I bought a new book several weeks ago...and I'm keeping it unread until a special time comes that I know I"ll have hours and hours to read it. Years ago I read the book "The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett. I loved it! Recently Follett came out with a sequal "World Without End" and when it came out in paperback, I grabbed a copy. And even though I can't wait to read it...I will wait until I can savor it for the first time.

I also love to reread my favorite books. I have several authors whose books I will buy and keep. And even though I may have read their books several times, they are such good authors that their books are worth reading over & over.

I love the tactical sense of holding a book...and holding a page in anticipation of turning it and learning more about the challenges facing my favorite character or the most welcome payback my least favorite character is getting.

What is your favorite way to recharge?

Friday, February 13, 2009

A Kiss

I found this in my inbox this morning...and just wanted to share in honor of Valentine's Day!

COMPUTER SCIENCE"A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte."

ALGEBRA"A kiss is two divided by nothing."

PHYSICS"A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart."

CHEMISTRY"A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts."

ACCOUNTING"A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned."

ECONOMICS"A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the

PHILOSOPHY"A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old."

THEOLOGY"A kiss is divine."

EARTH SCIENCES"A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often."

PHARMACOLOGY"A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails you."

LAW"A kiss is when the party of the first part and the party of the second part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair of lips shall co-exist in, for all practical purposes, the same space and time for a temporary period."

POLITICAL SCIENCE"A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse."

ENGINEERING"I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with that word."

[selected from with lots of additional material by Mark Raymond]